So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
