i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
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I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
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So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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