I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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