I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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