I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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