You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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