Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
