Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
