He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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