the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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