when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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