I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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