Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
