why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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