so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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