Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
