just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
