Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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