ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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