I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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