Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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