Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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