I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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