he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
