its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
