Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
