so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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