He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
