My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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