Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Randomize
