I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
