hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
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