it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.