I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
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You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
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Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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