They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
