Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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