We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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