I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
