My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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