i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize