I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
