The maid of honor just puked.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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