I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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