sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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