In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize