the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
