I need to stop coming to work sober
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
