My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i think my mom watched the whole time
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
