i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Randomize
