I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
