I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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