Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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