...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
