I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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