ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
