fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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