Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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