you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
